We adopted a sibling group of four, 2 years ago, all between the ages of six and twelve. Last Christmas, our first holiday with the kids, we went all out and got each of the kids exactly what they wanted. With 4 children, you can only imagine how many presents were under the tree. Our ten-year-old son destroyed all the toys we bought him. We are still perplexed by this as he specifically asked for those exact toys. We have heard the holidays can be challenging for adopted children. Can you advise us how to manage this year as Christmas is fast approaching?
~Perplexed
The Wise Director Answers
The first thing to remember about abused and neglected children is the impact of that abuse and neglect on their sense of self. Children who do not understand or are too young to understand what happened that led to them being in foster care will “fill in the blanks” and tell themselves that the reason for the abuse is them. So their “internal working model”-the way they see themselves-is that there is something wrong with them, they are bad, and undeserving of love and good parenting and gifts. Even if you have had them in your care for a long time, this message stays in their brain, and your care-your emotional interactions with them-may not erase this message, especially during periods of more intensive interactions. Like the holidays.
So for children who are not used to getting, and being able to keep gifts, the receiving of those gifts does not fit with that internal working model, it is a conflict for their young brains. SO in spite of wanting all those things, they can’t handle having them, and they don’t give them the care that we would expect. It is also not surprising that some of the children were fine with the toys and others as not-each brain responds differently to the message of abuse and of care. Just out of curiosity, did one of the other children love the toys, then set them on a shelf and not play with them? That is another response. They tell themselves it is okay to have gifts, but they may be taken away, so I should not play with them and mess them up.
Anyway, there are many ways to combat this destruction. The first, and this would be best for all the children, is to not focus on gift receiving, but on experiencing-doing things together. The cookie baking, the tree decorating, visiting people with baskets of food, simple activities that bring you together physically and emotionally as a family. Another idea is to greatly reduce the number of gifts, and use the funds to do activities-sign the child up for swim lessons or take the kids to ride an old train or spend the day at the Aquarium. These memories cannot be destroyed as easily and may rebuild that internal working model to a more positive one for the child. A third thing to do is to talk about what parents are SUPPOSED to do for their children (food, clothing, shelter, homework) and how he always has a right to these things. Then talk about a gift as something that is special because you see him as special. And be concrete in how he is special. Then add a layer of unconditional love. We love you even when you get mad and hit your brother. We love you even when you mess up at school and get detention. We love you even when you don’t love yourself. But really, first tone down the idea that this is a holiday about too much. And see how it goes.
