Dear Defeated,
It is hard to parent a child with a trauma history where you believe that all the things you have done don’t make a difference. I suspect if you were keeping track of each day since he entered your home, ranking it great (10) and absolutely terrible (1), you would, in fact, notice two things. One is that there are more high numbers as time passes, and the other is that the low numbered days come further apart, but clump up-a bunch of them, then things improve. Part of this is just how our brains change and mature, and part of it is the nature of trauma. We may not even know what triggers a child’s negative responses-bad days-in spite of the time they have lived in your family. Know that when you see new behaviors or a regression to older behaviors that you thought were gone, your son is experiencing something that is challenging that old attachment cycle, the one where your mere presence helps him to feel calmer and less anxious. But that doesn’t mean you will always know and be able to anticipate what is occurring to him at that time.
The bigger issue is, is he safe in your home: are your other children? Do you have the skills to parent him most of the days, and support and respite for the other days, when you feel at wit’s end. Because he is your son, and therefore your responsibility. The judge told you that at the time you committed to adopting him, so there are no outs. He is your child till he is his own person, and then probably still. I mean, don’t you talk to your parents, as long as they are alive, and miss them when they are gone? He will too… you are his parents.
The only good reason for a child to leave your physical care is if you cannot meet his needs (like placement in a mental health treatment facility) or if he is making other people in the home unsafe. It isn’t because you are frustrated with him or can’t stay calm or that you feel you have run out of options. You already did family based? A new team may click for him, or maybe his brain is more mature and ready for the work with you. IBHS not helpful? It is behavioral, and maybe he knows what to do right, but the “trauma baby” in his brain keeps telling him that he will fail, and work in individual therapy might allow him to quiet that baby and make better choices. Although admit it, we all make bad choices sometimes-that diet, that exercise plan, that no tablets in bed thing you agreed to.
The main thing is to remember this: You are his parent to the end, you know him better than anyone else, and he needs you to fight and advocate for what you believe is best for him. Sometimes that is all that we can do for that child while we wait for their brains to mature and lead them in a better direction. Sometimes it is all we can ever do. But don’t abandon him, no matter what, because you are only reinforcing what his “trauma baby brain” is already telling him. And then you will know he won’t ever get the chance to be different.
