Attachment and Parenting
Do Your Own Work
Imagine your child is upset, yelling at you for telling them to get off the playstation. No matter what kind of perfect upbringing you had, that yelling affects you. Maybe it makes you shut-down, revs you up, or inspires you to yell back. Now imagine this same child then has a meltdown about what you serve for dinner. Even the best of us feel undermined in this food caretaking rejection. And if you are truly honest with yourself, you know that all your children can push your buttons, as you are only human. Sometimes you notice your adopted child seems to get under your skin more then others. And this makes you feel bad about yourself and then you get angry at them. I’m here to let you know that you are normal; your reactions are valid. But you must
take this a step further as parents and embrace the idea of self-care. Self- care also means you examine your own background and reactions, sometimes with a professional, to help you be the best parent you can be. You have to do the work to show up for your whole family. This is self-care.
Post Adoption Depression
It’s real. It happens. It means things are not matching up: what you expected and the reality. And here is where self-care really comes into play. Accepting the situation and not making pretend it’s not happening. Stop shaming yourself for the these very normal feelings. Lean into the situation: spend more time with your adopted child. Play a game. Go on a walk. Make a craft together. Take them out for ice cream. Build your attachment to them. And then don’t forget to keep reading this newsletter for more ideas to promote your own well-being.
Ask for Help
Now remember when you decided to adopt your child? You promised that you would meet your child’s needs, no matter how complex that turned out to be. Your promised to love that child forever. But then things got rocky. You started to feel badly about your parenting. You were preoccupied with feelings of guilt and shame. Again, all so normal and to be expected. What you choose to do next can make all the difference. Ask for help! This is a type of self-care too, believe it or not. As parents we don’t like to be this vulnerable. We prefer to feel like we are awesome at our parenting jobs and we can do it all. No matter how amazing you are, all parents need help at one time or another. Help can mean joining a support group for adopted families. It can mean calling SWAN and asking for Post Permanency Services. It can mean you ask your partner to take over your parenting duties for a day so you can get a break.
What Else is Self-Care?
Go back to the next section in this Newsletter to read more ways to tend to you so you rock at this parenting gig!
