Dear Director: The Hard-To-Parent Child Edition

QUESTION:

Dear Director,

I am sick of everyone telling me my child has experienced trauma and that is why she is so hard to parent. We adopted Violet when she was 18 months old and have “loved her up” for the past 8 years. But none of our parenting ever works with her. She’s either melting down or as distant as they come. I just cannot reach her. Isn’t love enough?

Signed, Hurt and Confused

ANSWER:

Dear Hurt and Confused,

Was loving your husband or wife enough to make your relationship work?  What about accepting their quirks?  What about negotiating differences of opinion?  What about loving them when they were at their worst, when they didn’t even seem to love themselves and you did not like what they were saying or doing?  Was that enough?  Because your child, however they joined your family, deserves the same unconditional acceptance.

Relationships are not in people. They are BETWEEN people, in an eternal give and take.  So who is responsible when it does not seem to be working?  You? The Child?  Or allowing both of you to accept that what is happening between you is not working, and then, drumroll please, trying something different. Because the trauma that children experience when they are abused or abandoned changes their brain structure and chemistry, so what might work for one child doesn’t work for another, and what works now may not work when they grow a little or reach that next developmental level. So if HOW you are parenting this child is not working, are you still waiting for them to change and accept your parenting approach?  Perhaps your child is waiting for you to accept them for who they are and how they see the world first. Is it a standoff…or is it time to try something new, maybe a little bit different?

Do you remember Spirographs?  They are still out there, those silly cogs with the pen holes so you can make designs?  I loved mine as a kid.  I loved the shapes and colors and the designs. But mostly I loved how little change it took to get a whole new pattern. Just one cog tooth over and voila! Difference! So apply that same approach to parenting your daughter when what you are doing is not working. Change how you respond, and she will change too, and pretty soon, voila! New pattern.

We tend to get comfortable in our parenting approaches, and blame the child when they don’t work. But remember, even the healthiest, most stable child will grow up and require you to change. How you give a consequence to a six-year-old won’t work with a sixteen-year-old. We grow and change as that child’s age and needs change. And when putting the toy on top of the refrigerator no longer works, because the toy is a car or a laptop or a trip to Hershey Park, we change how we parent. Since a little change goes a long way, try it. Accept them and change yourself, and they will change in return.