Shame is one of the 7 core issues of adoption. As I mentioned, I keep seeing all the ways that shame shows up in the adopted children I support. Shame is a complex issue that is quite nuanced and can hide in many forms. For the adopted child who comes from hard places, places of trauma, their shame can be toxic. This basically implies that the way they see themselves is twinned with shame. Let’s spend some time examining how shame shows up. Because if you don’t know what’s truly behind undesirable behaviors, you can easily misunderstand the way that shame keeps rearing it’s ugly head.
I am not worthy of love
A 5-year-old child was removed from and separated from her birth mom. During those 5 years living with her biological mom, they were intermittently homeless, drifting from one couch to the next. Food was scarce. Sometimes her mom would leave her with strangers who would not feed or play with her. After she was removed from her birth mom, this little girl stopped talking. This experience left this young child with shame. Let me explain: Children are naturally egocentric, this is a normal developmental attribute that actually helps them to survive. So when the connection to their first family is severed, they are sure it is their fault. After all the world revolves around them. They must be unloveable. They do not deserve affection and love. Their first family rejected them and they know it is all their fault. Poof: SHAME!
She is so remote
Let’s visit this adopted child 3 years later, when she is 8, and adopted by her forever family. She talks now but never with emotion. She keeps her distance from her family. Inside, she constantly feels like she doesn’t deserve this life. This 8-
year-old is constantly pushing away her mother. She seems to go out of her way to intentionally ruin things. Her adoptive family have a truly hard time connecting with their adopted daughter. They wonder what she is feeling, what is under these tough behaviors, and have signed her up for Play Therapy to make things better. The Therapist says that her remoteness is a protective factor left over from her first 5 years of life. Their daughter is sure she will be given away again, in fact she knows she will be, as it was her fault the first time. She is ashamed of herself. She decides to keep herself from loving her family as she knows they cannot love her back. So she chooses to have no feelings at all and doesn’t allow anyone close to her.
She is so oppositional
Fast forward 5 years, and our young girl is now 13-years-old. Tough age for all young teens. Hormones raging, identity developing, and of course, some natural separation from one’s parents has to occur to figure out who you are. This situation is a perfect storm for our young teen with her tough past and her identity all wrapped up with shame. As time has worn on, she has started not doing what anyone tells her. Her family doesn’t seem to be hearing her message that she is unlovable and they will be giving her away soon. She tries to make this easier for them by being more and more defiant. She ends up being labeled with something called Oppositional Defiant Disorder due to her insistence on wrecking things. She’s pretty sure they will be giving her away any day now. She just keeps on doing all these “bad” things to make this come true. She deserves this.
I am not so bad after all
Now our young teen, is 16-years-old, 3 years later, and there has been a subtle, positive change. These people, her adoptive family, are not listening to her wish and need to sabotage her family. They haven’t even whispered about giving her away yet. They keep getting more and more support for her, both in school and at home. People come over now, called the Family Based Team, 3 times a week to help her do fun stuff with her mom and to teach them how to talk to each other the right way. Sometimes they have her draw pictures of when she was little. In school, she sees a special counselor who gets her talking about her first 5 years of life with her bio mom. It’s not fun but she is doing it. She takes some medicine that makes her feel less worried all the time. Her inner shame of being unworthy of love is slowly getting pushed away by her family’s consistency, love, support, and insistence on telling her all the specific ways she is an amazing person. They make her talk about the word shame and how she has internalized it. It’s just terrible. But something is slowly changing inside and she starts to feel better about who she is. Maybe she does deserve this astounding family after all. Maybe they can be trusted to keep her. Maybe it wasn’t her fault that she was removed from her first family. Maybe she isn’t so bad after all.
