Adoption is a beautiful coming together; a connection; a ritual of pure love. If you have been lucky enough to be a present at an adoption, you know what I am talking about. Gives you goosebumps. Causes tears of joy. Reaffirms one’s belief in the goodness of humanity. An adoption is plain and simple, a moving ceremony that creates a new family.
Adoption is a Legal Act
The following excerpt is actually part of the legal proceedings that occur here in Pennsylvania during an adoption:
Once the court is satisfied that the statements made in the petition are true, that the needs and welfare of the adoptee will be promoted by the adoption and that all legal requirements have been met, the court shall enter a decree so finding and directing that the adoptee shall have all the rights of a child and heir of the adoptive parents and shall be subject to the duties of a child to them(23 Pa.C.S.§2902). The court enters its decree, with the adoptive parents receiving it along with a Certificate of Adoption.
Party
And after the Adoption itself, there is a celebration. Depending on the family, it can be big or little: elaborate or simple: but one thing remains the same: The bond between the adoptive parent/s and the adopted child is honored and publicly shared amongst friends and family. The party symbolizes the forever nature of the legal proceedings that took place in the courtroom with the Judge at the Adoption hearing. It’s a symbol of the eternal merging of you and your new child.
Honeymoon Phase
So why is it that some parents end the adoption? It is to be expected that that the honeymoon phase in a new family is short lived. Hence the phrase, the honeymoon is over. There are preventative measures society takes to help families cope with the hard times that are sure to come. Support services can be formal and informal to hold up the new family. Maybe there is a large extended family who lives nearby. Perhaps the family has an extensive circle of friends. The adoption agency may have connected parents to others who have walked the road ahead of them. Perhaps the adopted child has a a therapist already. Maybe the family is part of an in-person or online support group for adopted parents. And of course, there are Post Perm services, designed for the post-honeymoon stage, that inevitably comes.
Expectations
Your new family is not like those on TV. Problems will occur. Adopted or not, family life implies periods of strife and conflict. Children need to push against their parents to grow up. It’s their necessary developmental task to separating and becoming an independent being. Imagining that your new family will be like a picture-perfect Instagram post sets everyone up for failure. So go ahead and lower your expectations. And then lower them some more. Then you can be more realistic about the issues that ultimately arise in all families. Lowering your expectations can help you react positively and creatively!
Return Label
So why is it that adoption disruptions still occur? I see this in my work, as do my fellow Post Permanency peers, not a lot, but just enough. What makes it so some families stay together yet others cannot? My thought is that there is this an invisible return label on adopted children. Some parents see it and others do not. Some families act upon it and others just don’t. Keep reading to learn more about this idea of the invisible return label stuck to the adopted child. And learn how to avoid dissolving that adoption.
ASK for HELP before a crises: this is a marked difference in families who successfully work things out and those who actually end the adoption.
