Dear Director,
My Post Perm worker was all excited to tell me that if I add more PCEs to my children’s lives, that will help them heal from their trauma and to grow into happier and healthier adults. But we are already so busy with work, school homework, meal prep/cooking, and therapy. Do you know a simple way for us to add more Positive Childhood Experiences to their lives?
Signed, Curious, but tired
Dear Curious, but tired,
Family life, especially when you are striving to overcome a challenging early life for your adopted child, can carry a strong sense of obligation and many busy times. Your list of activities-homework, meal prep, therapy-sounds like a healthy dose of family time. What you are already doing is wonderful for any child, and I suspect that with small tweaks, you can enrich your children’s life with more Positive Childhood Experiences without much work.
First, let’s reflect on your childhood, if possible. What are the positive things you remember? When I think of my upbringing, I don’t remember the gifts I received or the money spent on extra activities. What I recall most with
fondness are the things I did with a parent or grandparent. These were simple things-reading a book together, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace in February so we could pretend we were camping, riding in the car together singing. We would make cookies and my job was to stir, stir, stir. We folded laundry together in the basement. These are all positive childhood experiences, because they are focused on the relationship I had with that person.
These relationships are important for many reasons. When a child has someone in their life who accepts them unconditionally, and likes them, faults and all, it builds resilience. It teaches them that they have value for who they are. It helps them create a safe space to share feelings and be listened to. It allows them to feel heard. These relationships also provide lots of opportunities for positive interactions and experiences. When you send your child to do their homework, that is great. When they sit next to you to do it, while you pay your bills or do the dishes or finish the crossword puzzle, you create opportunities for interaction. You are in things together.
The same is true for meal prep. Invite the child in, let them wash and tear up the lettuce for salad, set the table, stand on a step stool and stir the sauce. Talk to them about what you are doing, ask their thoughts on more or less cheese on your recipe, let them pick the veggies tonight, include them. These interactions are valuable AND positive experiences.
Relationships are healing and what you do with your child may seem insignificant but its messages are big. It tells them they are included and that you care. It counters the negative things they have felt and heard and experiences and the times they have been left out. So, no big changes are required. Just give them a little time, and let them in.
