Are you thinking, yes, that’s my child! There are various reasons you may experience your child as more difficult. A major factor may be that they experienced early, complex trauma which literally changed their brain and body. Complex trauma means that they endured multiple types of toxic and overwhelmingly stressful events in the first 5 years of their life. “It refers to the cumulative toll that experiences such as neglect, emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, domestic violence, persistently unsafe situations, or attachment disruptions and insecurity take on children.” These experiences typically result in the harder-to-parent child. There are also plenty of things you bring to the table that can create a prickly parent-child dynamic. Read on to gain insight and compassion about why your child feels so hard to parent which can ultimately lead to an easier-to-parent child!
That’s My Child: Complex Trauma
If this resonates with you, then know you are not alone. As researchers learn more about the brain, turns out that complex trauma really does change things. Early complex trauma can profoundly interfere with the brain, nervous system, and overall development. It does so in quite an extensive way, affecting not just a child’s behavior and thinking, but rather almost every growing system in their bodies, including the brain. Having this lens to view your child with can make all the difference. You can actually learn a whole new set of tools to parent your children that actually work. If you find yourself regularly feeling overwhelmed and almost defeated by your adopted child, chances are they experienced early complex trauma. Read more details here.
Temperament: How Do You Fit Together?
Sometimes you feel so natural and comfortable around others and sometimes not so much. This is a 2-way street that informs all relationships, even those with our children. Think about how you actually mesh with your child. Do you have the same temperaments? Are you an introvert and they are too? Neither of you like a lot of talking and need your alone time to recharge? Are you a morning person and they are a night owl? These differences can create conflict. How about your sense preferences; do you like essential oils, dimmed lights, a quiet house, no clutter? What does your child prefer? That too can create a mismatch. Explore and be mindful of how well or not so well you may or may not match or fit with your child. This can help you understand the conflicts between the 2 of you that can build patience, compassion, and make them easier to parent.
Your Baggage
This issue is ugly and most people prefer to skip it. But the truth is we all have our own baggage from childhood. Just a fact. Some of us carry more baggage than others. Some of us have “done our work” and explored how it impacts every relationship we have. Your child may trigger the issues that you bring to the relationship. Let me elaborate. What if when you were a child and when you experienced a big emotion like anger and frustration, you were taught to keep quiet, stuff it, and eventually learned how to fit into your family by shutting down? Then you adopt your wonderful little 6 year-old daughter. She has no grasp on her emotions and never learned to self-regulate. Typical for kids with complex early trauma. When she gets upset, angry, or frustrated, watch out as all bets are off. She rants and raves and yells and screams and cries and carries on. For you, this is seriously not Ok. It’s not in your repertoire of how to handle big emotions. You struggle to sit with her through these hard feelings and are not able to help her learn how to regulate. You are aware that it is super uncomfortable for you. Maybe you enter into therapy to explore your past so you can be a better parent. No matter what, your baggage impacts your relationship with your child. Kudos for admitting the truth. You are one step closer to improving your parenting by accepting this truth.
Attachment Styles
The dreaded attachment style. We all have one. Most adopted kids suffer with some type of attachment issue or another. Your styles definitely affect each other. Allow me to illustrate this parent-child interaction with the following example. Your attachment style is characterized as secure with a hint of avoidance. This means relationships can make you feel suffocated and you usually prefer some distance with those you love. Then comes your adopted 11-year-old son who has an anxious attachment style that he developed from his biological parents’ chronic neglect during his first 5 years with them. (Early complex trauma.) Your son is always right there by your side, often demanding your attention. You cringe at this behavior as you like your space. If you don’t constantly pay attention to him, his anxiety increases, and he demands even more.
Stop The Cycle
A vicious cycle starts. He presses all your buttons as his attachment style clashes with yours. Instead of labeling him, dismissing him, blaming him, it is your responsibility to change and meet him where he is. Just being aware of this internal clash of styles is your first step to repair. To stop this dance, you need to teach him how to better manage himself. This requires a lot of work on your part yet he will learn quickly. You have to prevent his need to be so clingy as his brain and body are telling him to stick right with you or something bad will happen. The more attention you give him, before he even asks, the more secure he will become. Throughout the day try to give him your full attention for short periods of time before he asks for it. This technique works. You are rewiring your child’s brain by interfering with the now maladaptive patterns he learned from his childhood. It takes time and effort. But it pays off.
Hard Work
Parenting is hard work. Parenting children who experienced early complex trauma is even more difficult. By understanding the parent-child interaction, you can build trust and attachment which inevitably will make your parenting journey more full of ease and even joy! And don’t forget to hold onto your sense of humor.
