JFS Newsletter

We are all capable of widening our window’s of tolerance. We can become more accepting of hard emotions. The first step is awareness. Observing when you are in your window of tolerance and when you start to veer out of it. Noticing which direction your body typically moves when it becomes dysregulated is the next step. There are plenty more strategies to use to help you open your window of tolerance. Note that these techniques work for you, the adults and parents, and for you to teach and model for your children.

Learning how to regulate your brain and body is the key to staying within one’s window of tolerance. When an individual experiences childhood trauma, as most adopted children do, it significantly impacts how wide their window of tolerance is. Another factor effecting your child’s window of tolerance is how well they have resolved this trauma. Let’s delve into each of these factors to truly understand how your child’s past may still be influencing how they manage their emotions and natural stressors that come about in life. In other words, if you can understand how your child’s window of tolerance has been shaped by their trauma, then you can meet them with empathy and understanding.  To help your children increase their tolerance for distress, after you put on your compassion hat, you can then help them learn techniques to make positive change. That window of tolerance can absolutely be widened with skills and practice.

Dear Director,
Our 11-year-old adopted son gets really angry and irritable sometimes and acts sweet as pie others. We never know when he will fly off the handle. His therapist says he has a narrow window of tolerance due to his rough upbringing that included severe neglect. We are having trouble understanding exactly what she is talking about. I wish he would act consistently and not be so volatile. What do you think?
– Confused

Parents do not like to admit it. All parents. Adoptive or biological. But sometimes our children trigger us so much that we imagine giving them away. This is normal human nature. We have all been there as parents. We do not like to even own this thought. And usually the thought passes. But what makes some adoptive families follow through upon this impulse and others not? What makes some families actually act on that invisible return label?

Once parents can acknowledge how shame shows up behind their children’s icky behaviors, they can begin using a new parenting approach that is therapeutic and individualized. It’s hard. It takes a ton of repetition. And time. And trust. And perseverance. Keep reading to learn real techniques to combat the negative effects of shame!