Post-Permanency Newsletter

Dear Director,

We recently adopted 2 siblings, ages 7 and 9. They certainly had a rough upbringing, both emotionally and sexually abused. We are so thrilled to become their parents and to give them a wonderful life. Problem is we had to start working with a team of counselors as the 9-year-old is just terrible and unmanageable. She hates being told what to do and will have meltdowns if she doesn’t get her way that can last all day. Additionally, she seems to freak out at the strangest times with no apparent reason. Our therapist says to look behind her behaviors; that her behaviors are a form of communication.  We just don’t believe that. She just seems manipulative, ungrateful, and controlling.

Signed, doubtful about all this mumbo-jumbo about behaviors as clues

When a child has undesirable behaviors, there are a variety of ways to view that behavior. An “old-fashioned” view sees the child as being intentionally oppositional. A more reliable and helpful way to  view their behavior instead is based on the idea that your child is dealing with a host of invisible factors resulting in such. Keep reading to identify some likely invisible sources that may cause such bad behaviors. Then you will start to see them as actual real responses within the child’s body and brain and coping mechanisms leftover from their trauma.

Welcome to your new parenting lens: Now you know that your child is not malicious, bad, manipulative, and non-compliant when they show you their worst behaviors. Congratulations on considering this different point of view. The next step is to further dissect what is underneath these behaviors. Read on for more ideas of what may be triggering and contributing to your child exhibiting their worst self. Just understanding the why of behaviors can help you help them to improve. Compassionately appreciating what is behind the behavior can change how you react. And of course, you will need some new parenting strategies to match this new lens. Explore concrete parenting techniques you can use to help your child heal, learn to regulate, and grow! There may even be some advice about caring for your own mental and physical health tucked into then end. Keep reading…

Research now tell us that when a child experiences early and prolonged trauma, other parts of development are affected. Makes sense? If you are constantly on high alert for real danger in your home, you will have trouble paying attention. What about if you frequently go to bed hungry? Or what if you don’t even have a stable place to live? Learning new things becomes a challenge. Social skills are not important to your brain as you are just trying to stay safe, fed, or housed. If you are 13 years old, people come to expect age-appropriate things from you: your parents, your teachers, and even your friends. If inside that 13-year-old body, certain areas about you are really only at an 8-year-old level, there will be a mismatch. You will get frustrated due to expectations that are too high. And because you are already stressed, a meltdown soon follows.

A typical infant and her mother play a game called serve and return. Learn why when this crucial games is missed, a whole host of problems arise. That infant never learned how to self-soothe or self-regulate. In other words, she goes straight to a meltdown when she is stressed or frustrated.